What Costco, Ikea, and Walmart can teach the church

No questions asked

This is what I hear when I return something to my local big box stores. For whatever reason the item I purchased does not work out for my needs or wants. I would like my money back please. Almost always, the money is immediately refunded, with a smile. No questions asked.

I would not have dared to try this years ago. The rule then was “what’s done is done”; “a card laid is a card played”; “too bad, so sad.”  Stupidity will not be rewarded. Sometimes I try to save money by purchasing a less expensive product — a watch; a phone; a TV screen — for whatever reason it doesn’t work for my needs. I tell myself, caveat emptor — buyer beware; poor decision; you get what you pay for; move on. Well, this is not always the case.

Years ago I lived across the street from Esmund Sharpe, a lovely, retired Saskatchewan farmer. One day a Kirby Vacuum salesperson knocked on his door. Long story short, he sold Esmund a vacuum cleaner. Problem was that Esmund didn’t have any carpets. He didn’t need one. Thankfully, in the Province of BC items purchased on the doorstep could be returned within three days; that’s the law. Phew.

Despite the legal force of caveat emptor things in the retail world don’t work that way now. Stores that wish to retain repeat customers and build purchaser loyalty now tell their return sales staff that it’s not worth fighting a customer over the merits, the righteousness, of their demand for a refund. Managers who give this advice to frontline workers end up with happier, and healthier employees.

Of course, there are charlatans out there who will try to game the system — the wedding groom who tries out a video camera during his wedding weekend only to return it two days later. How about the impulsive jewelry shopper who never had enough money in her bank account in the first place, and has maxed out the credit card overdraft. Sister and brother, you make us all look bad. Grr.

So if good news regarding complaints and refunds is found in the retail business, what message and practice can the big box stores send to the traditional Sunday morning gathering of local faith communities. Are there things about the church experience that participants might wish to return? On Sunday mornings there are several benefits promised, if not delivered in and through the worship experience. The following are in no particular order:

Room ambience — lovely windows, beautiful flowers, nice smell
Greeting and welcome — warm but not too smiley please
Congregational and performative music — do I feel like singing?
Preacher and the sermon ­— no comment from this preacher
Mood and style of prayer —  “gimme, gimme never (or sometimes gets)
Eucharist or ministry of the Word — high, low, or I don’t know
Can I hear, see, participate? — this should be obvious
Pew comfort — conversations with my butt
After-service coffee and refreshments — take away and see what happens
Flow of guilt from chancel steps to the pew — “we need more help _____
A word from our sponsor — grace is freely offered, with associated local costs

Whether I admit it or not, I have all sorts of personal needs and wants regarding worship. As one who is typically found in leadership roles, it is hard for me to appreciate the hopes and dreams of others. I do, however, try. There are so many gifts available through Christian worship. I cannot do without Christian gathering, though some days I feel like giving abstinence a try. There are likewise many obstacles, pitfalls, things which get in the way of the benefits.

I have just revisited “The Mystery Worshipper” at the wonderful website Ship of Fools.com. Check it out. It’s humorous, cheeky, informative, and insightful. It’s worth your time.

So finally, how would a practice of “no questions asked” return policy work in Sunday morning church? I have a plan. Following the service there are typically clergy greeting retiring (some actually retired) parishioners by the exit door. Simply set up a little table staffed by a warden in the narthex. Place a sign on the table “No questions asked — Your money back.” When a disgruntled congregant reaches the table the warden will ask as to the nature of the complaint — didn’t’ know any of the hymns; presider looks unkempt; you didn’t thank me for today’s flowers. Then ask the person what their collection plate contribution looks like — i.e. cash, offering envelope, gold wedding ring. Intercept the money counter (typically the other warden) and search for the mis-spent offering. And return it, no questions asked.

I so welcome your comments. Grace and peace to all, and happy Sunday Morning sailing.

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