Waiting, waiting, waiting — Stress testing telephone customer service

PREAMBLE

This blog, takenote.ca, features a wide variety of topics. Recently, many daily posts have responded seriously to national and global politics, and rightly so. There is, however, a limit to what we and our readers can tolerate. Sometimes we need a break from politics and the serious matters which swirl around us. So today, something totally different.

Before I begin — the charade below is entirely in jest. If this catches you at a time of bereavement in your life, my apologies — just hit DELETE.

Also to my good friends in the funeral services industry, I love you and respect you. I cannot however resist the comedic opportunity below. My grief is not with you; neither is my complaint against those poor souls who must provide service to frustrated customers in often understaffed call centres.

With many consumers I am increasingly frustrated trying to connect with representatives of financial institutions, service agencies, commercial outlets, airlines and travel agencies, and other organizations by telephone. The wait times get longer and longer; sometimes call-back options are available, sometimes not. Instructions and options are increasingly complex. While waiting we are often subjected to advertising, corporate promotion, or redirected to online links.

A 2015 Consumer Reports study found:

    57% of people had been so frustrated with phone customer service that they hung up the phone without a resolution.

    About 50% of people had stopped mid-purchase when they encountered bad customer service.

    75% of people said they were “highly annoyed” when they couldn’t get someone on the phone in a reasonable amount of time.

Friends, there’s another way to do business. Someone, please, just pick up the bloody phone. Rant ended. Now for some fun.

SCENARIO

[A call to a local funeral home. In this case, Last Port of Call Funeral Services (LPOC LLP). Once connected we hear the following:]

Thank you for contacting Last Port of Call, your full service provider of funeral services for over forty-two years in our community. Our trained and dedicated staff are eager to assist you at this time.

This call may be monitored for training and quality assurance purposes. Please understand that even at this difficult time in your life, abusive language, threats of legal action, profanity, and vulgar insults will not be tolerated.

As our contact centres are experiencing high volumes of calls please stay on the line; your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.

Please have all personal information ready to share with our agent. If unsure what information is required, have everything available including volunteer organization memberships, names and addresses of distant relatives, favourite pet names, and federal tax information.

LPOC LLP values and respects your personal information and is pleased to provide a secure transactional environment. We will not sell or re-sell any personal information to marketing agencies, government departments, political parties, oligarchs, or religious officials.

Please listen carefully to our menu options as they are always changing.

Choose ONE to learn of discounts on caskets, urns, memorials, floral arrangements, guest books, statuettes and other items designed with your deceased loved one in mind.

Choose TWO to learn about Brown, Green, or Blue burials. Know your rights. Discover new and exciting options for the final placement of remains. Please know that we do not support or encourage do-it-yourself home projects at this time.

Choose THREE to learn how to write an obituary in English. Tutors fluent in other languages are standing by. We regret that we cannot provide support for Russian or Slovak speakers at this time.

Choose FOUR to discover the wide range of clergy leaders or secular officiants currently on our roster. All are carefully screened for fraud, boundary violation offenses, incompetence, and tactless behaviour.

Choose FIVE to begin the registration process

Choose SIX to repeat this menu.

GOING DEEPER INTO THE CALL

(Upon pressing FIVE the following information is offered.)

Welcome to the registration process. We would like to get to know you better. Please choose one of the following four personal categories:

If you are a family member related to the deceased, press ONE. “Family” is defined by the Book of Common Prayer (Canada) Table of Kindred and Affinity. Simply being “a bud at the local bar” doesn’t cut it. Those in other so-called “open relationships” should press TWO.

If you represent the deceased through an enduring power of attorney, if any of the deceased’s assets are subject to a lien, or if the deceased owes you money, press THREE.

For all other options press FOUR.

SELF-CARE WHILE YOU WAIT

(After making your selection, music, including Frank Sinatra’s version of “My Way” is played.) Old “blue eyes” nails it!)

(After 14 minutes an agent finally picks up the call. Note that all options are actually forwarded to the same agent who may be on a break at the time of your call. Patience friend!)

AGENT Well hello there! And thank you for contacting us at Last Port of Call LLP.

CALLER My gosh, I thought Jesus would come before you would take my call, making my questions and needs somewhat redundant I must say.

AGENT Hey, that’s funny. We need more comedians around here.

CALLER You need some other things, like efficiency training.

AGENT True story friend. As our automatic recording system is broken right now let’s review your information.

CALLER Let’s not! Life’s too short.

AGENT Again, funny, very funny. Anyway, are you a friend or a family member of the deceased?

CALLER Is that really your business?

AGENT Your life, and any associated deaths are my business. Isn’t that why you called? So we can “help” you.

CALLER I am now less sure why I called at all. I likely have dialed a wrong number. Could you direct me to one of your competitors?

AGENT Sorry pal, not allowed to do that. While I have you on the line, did you happen to choose “all other options?”

CALLER Yes, for some strange reason, I did.

AGENT So why did you press FOUR then?

CALLER Because I find your entire procedure annoying. And you for that matter.

AGENT I am so sorry you are annoyed. Do you typically get annoyed when calling for assistance?

CALLER This particular call has achieved a new height of personal distress.

AGENT Well you have come to the right place. We are the leading professional service providers for persons in distress. Do you have personal information handy, for instance do you have your death certificate registration number?

CALLER No I do not, and for the record, I have not died yet, but the way this call is going, death may be on the horizon, mine, or possibly, yours!

AGENT Now, now, I sense hostility and cynicism on your part. I find your attitude, distressing.

CALLER How very insightful of you. You clod, how can I know my death certificate information if I have not yet died?

AGENT You know, in my own life, I have discovered that the thin veil between life and death is rather porous. Media vita in morte sumus.

CALLER  What the hell does that mean? Latin . . . or something?

AGENT it’s a hit song from New Year’s Eve in the early fourteenth century, Gregorian Chant, “in the midst of life we are in death.” Do you know it?

CALLER I’m not Catholic so how could I? Right now it doesn’t feel like I’m dead. It feels like I’m in hell.

AGENT Hmm . . . we don’t have that “hell” in our phone tree. Perhaps we should add another option.

CALLER Fill your boots.

THE END GAME

AGENT Sadly, other callers require my attention at this time. Is there anything else I can help you with?

CALLER You haven’t helped me with anything. You know what? The best think you could do is hang up.

AGENT Absolutely pleased to help out. Oh, following the call you will be directed to a call quality assessment survey. Nothing less that a 10/10 rating is acceptable. Is there anything else you have to say?

CALLER Pedicabo ego vos

(The call is disconnected at this point.)