I cannot shop at Costco anymore – A rave about rants

Lots of people love rants; just ask Rick Mercer, who built a comic career around them. They can be a great way to let off steam. They can help us discover who our friends really are. They can be effective social commentary or pure entertainment. They can appear in text, audio, or video formats. Some are named and others anonymous including the “I cannot shop at Costco anymore” example below.

With apologies, I may have published this rant before so I have added some interpretive comments of my own. Enjoy, share, and take credit for yourself—see what happens. (Due to format limitations of WordPress I have not been able to format according to COMS or MLA practice so have resorted to a totally unique citation practice.)

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow (1) for my loyal pet, Necco, (2) the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. (3)

1) The specific food consumed is not named within a large and varied product line.
2)  NECCO, acronym for the New England Confectionary Company, who produce a brand of candy wafers, a consumption that may explain (3) below.
3) At 191 lbs. that’s one fat dog. Just saying.

I was in the check-out line (4) when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think? (5) I had an elephant?

4) On busy days, these lines shake halfway back the store. One must do something to keep amused however. Now if everyone would have their member cards ready BEFORE you reach the till things would move faster. Then again, who cares? Waiting can be entertaining.
5) It seems that stupidity is on the rise, at least where I shop.

So because I’m retired and have little to do, (6) on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. (7) I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, (8) but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

6) Closing in on three years in retirement I have never been so busy with projects I enjoy and others seem to appreciate. Don’t know where this dude hangs out—oh right, Costco. Loser.
7) This claim is credible. There is a diet for everything right now. Purina deserves its place in the sunshine. That said, no products are suggested for humans. What do you think this is; a lineup for Ivermectin? i.e., “Individuals with large followings can influence public opinions and behaviours, especially during a pandemic. In the early days of the pandemic, US president Donald J Trump has endorsed the use of unproven therapies. Subsequently, a death attributed to the wrongful ingestion of a chloroquine-containing compound occurred.”
8) Let us take a moment to be thankful for universal health care in Canada, something that Pierre Poilievre likely wants to extinguish once he is prime minister. Recommendation: Don’t get sick, Pierre.

I told her that it was essentially a “perfect diet” and that the way that it works is to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. (9) The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (10)

9) I follow a similar process myself. My theory is that if I enjoy what I eat, it’s bad for me. And the reverse, if it tastes bad, it must be good. Purina perfect point proven.
10) Nutritionally complete for whom? As my sister likes to say regarding inter-personal conflict, “consider the source.” And no, she does not eat Purina. In fact, she doesn’t presently own a dog. She would however benefit from a dog but her influence on her strata council is limited.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) (11)

11) We all need an audience, in fact, some of my best work is impromptu and live.

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no. I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. (12) I thought the guy behind her in the checkout line was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. (13)

12) Great comic timing and conflation. Keep everyone slightly off kilter. Confusion (and booze) keeps ‘em laughing.
13) We don’t laugh enough. Try a belly chuckle sometimes. Feels good! I love laughing, and love to help others laugh. Try to laugh with others and not at them. Remember “Laugh-In?” Anyone who could make jokes about Richard Nixon deserves our respect. “Say good night Dick.” “Good night Dick.” Brilliant!

As a result of my storytelling, Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. (14)  So you had better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

14) Well I doubt this. There are others who no longer shop at Costco and they have their own reasons. Some complain about the membership cost. Others justifications include  pregnancy and “instant morning sickness.” This particular “Costco Queen” will return however, with her newborn, following delivery. Just don’t carry the kid in the cart: read the signs.

So there you have it. This story appears across many online platforms. I see no name or credit anywhere; so that tells me it was created by Costco staff publicists. (15)

15) Kinda brilliant when you think about it. Mad Men strikes again. Who needs AI?

Thanks to David Michael Gray for the link and the idea.